Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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