Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
