god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
