i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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