woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
