either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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