Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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