Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
