My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize