that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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