Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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