getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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