I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
