Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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