4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Say something about gay babies.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i've created a new STD.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
