This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize