here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize