i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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