I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
