the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
