I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize