So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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