My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
That's intense
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
