Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
