i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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