sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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