I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
