walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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