Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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