I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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