We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
