My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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