Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
