my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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