how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
