So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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