You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
