I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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