I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
