Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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