I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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