I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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