Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
