I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
