I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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