I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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