wanna go halves on a baby?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
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