apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize