Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
