I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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