i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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