I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize