TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
