let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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