I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
