if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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