Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
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