I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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