I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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